My Struggle, My Reality

This is my forum to vent on the things that matter to me. At the moment, what matters to me is being three years into trying to have a baby, and my frustration with my/our lack of success.

My husband and I have been together for well over a decade. We met young, when we were both teenagers, and beat the odds in that now, in our 30’s, we are still together. And we still actually like each other. I married the old clich√©, my best friend, and someone I trust with all aspects of my life.

Infertility has been hard. For the first year, we both took it more or less in stride. We knew that the odds of conceiving quickly were not high, and that it takes time. I admit that I was significantly more stressed out about our lack of success than he was, but overall it wasn’t until we crossed that first anniversary that I genuinely started to think something was wrong. At the one year mark we went for preliminary testing. Well, I did. My husband remained convinced that time would out, and avoided getting a sperm test for another eight months. Apparently there is a stigma or discomfort about jerking off into a cup that is prohibitive. Years of pap tests have rendered me somewhat unsympathetic to that particular issue, because privacy and masturbation seem far less intrusive than a speculum up the twat.

The second year was awful. Recognizing that we had something wrong was not fun. I know¬†there was a lot of anger and guilt on my end, and I suspect that there was some on his side as well. Testing didn’t help. Each test came back with no significant results. The major finding was my diagnosis with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a condition that can be associated with infertility, but is not by itself an indication of issues with conception. I should specify at this point that I have never had a positive pregnancy test. I have never suffered the heartbreak of miscarriage, and I feel for women who do. In three years of trying to get pregnant, I have only had one month that I actually believed something was different, and I was wrong.

The third year has been coming to terms with the reality of probably not being able to have a child under conventional circumstances. I’ve (we’ve) had the tests, the results remain inconclusive. At this point we are deemed to be defined by “unexplained infertility”, a term that basically just means that all of our tests come back inconclusive/no issues, so the medical professionals are not sure what to do with us. We had the fertility specialist suggest clomifene, to stimulate ovulation, but there is no evidence that I don’t ovulate, so I’m not clear how a blanket prescription to cover all the bases is appropriate to our situation, and the side effects are pretty terrible. Clearly I haven’t taken the medication.

I have various reasons for not taking the suggested medication, not the least of which that my physiology doesn’t tend to respond well to chemical intervention, and I’m unwilling to screw with my biochemistry if a medical professional cannot provide me with an adequate rational for their suggested course of treatment. I have since looked into other options, but I’m not completely sold on the placebo vs. reality of the possibilities opened up by naturopathic and acupuncture treatments.

As it stands, I have focused my attention on my career, my education, and my fitness level, and I am learning to accept that biological children are likely not in my future.

Life throws interesting curveballs into the mix, no?