It has been pointed out to me, with increasing frequency, that I am a control freak. It’s an accurate assessment, it’s the way it manifests as far as the fertility issue that is interesting here. The reality is that I do manage to control a pretty significant portion of my life, but this is an area where I don’t have the control. That scares me more than most things.
Several good friends have suggested that I try to give myself space to actually feel and sit with the pain I feel surrounding this issue, instead of doing everything I can to avoid/mask/hide from the issue. I’m struggling with the concept. Just sitting with myself means I am choosing to feel all the hurt and frustration of the past three years, and since I have no plan in place as to how to address it, I have trouble seeing the value of the exercise. So we circle back to control, and my somewhat obsessive need to be in said state. I think I also have a slight fear that if I give in and sit with it I’ll never be able to take a step away. This whole process has been so close and personal that I don’t think I have enough perspective to extract myself once I’m in. And I fear losing myself, or at least the image of myself I’ve built.
Frankly, I don’t think I’m ready to give over my control and just be with myself right now. As it is I feel like I’m holding onto myself and my level of function by a thread, and it’s fraying. I know I will have to deal with this eventually, whether I want to or not, but I’m still trying to control that too.
This is a very circular thought process.