This weekend has been particularly bad, and I am not entirely sure why.
Part of it is probably because I planned to spend most of this weekend at home: I have a paper due tomorrow, and I know my own powers of procrastination – had I planned on any significant recreational activities, I would not have spent the time I need to writing. As it is, the assignment is mostly done, and I have several hours tomorrow afternoon to review, edit, and submit. So I have spent the past couple of days mostly alone, except for my Husband popping in and out and the furballs. Unfortunately, it turns out I’ve been relying pretty heavily on being busy to distract me from how unhappy I actually am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware it’s there, I just function quite well as long as I’m busy and distracted. This weekend I have had time to just sit with myself, and I’m not a happy person to be around.
I feel quite isolated. My Husband wants very badly to be supportive, and he is doing everything he can, but he was both not as invested in having children as I am(was?), not has he really recognized that the situation is what it is. He tends to be very good at sitting back and just hoping things work out for the best. Which actually works well with my… shall we say *ahem* somewhat less laid back personality. My closest friends at the moment are childless by choice – never wanted them, don’t think they ever will. Their attitudes are actually really helpful from the point of view of being able to see what opportunities are available to me going forward as a childless person, but it means that they don’t really understand the grief I feel loosing something I never really had.
Part of my issue is that I don’t like to interact with anyone when i’m unhappy – I don’t really like to share my feelings. This probably goes back to the control issues, but also, I just hate constantly being a debbie downer, and taking my crap out on the people I care about. I don’t really want anyone to know how unhappy I am. I think my Husband is aware, to some extent. He’s been away for work a lot lately, so he hasn’t actually been around to see me/it, but after almost 14 years together, he knows me quite well, and he knows when I’m sad. The same is probably true for my good friends – I think they know something is up, but they also know me well enough to know that I’m not going to share until i’m good and ready. Which might be never. I really hate to be open and vulnerable, and I am desperately afraid of doing so and then being rejected.
I hate crying. I hate being vulnerable. I hate feeling like I am making any show of weakness. And I really hate feeling an overwhelming sensation of grief and loss over something I didn’t really have. I am aware that what I am grieving is the idea of a child – to some extent I think we all assume that if we want them, they will be an option, a right, even.
Turns out that’s not true for all of us.
So I have this intense feeling of loss, and a certain amount of resentment and frustration, and I am struggling to find an appropriate outlet. Writing helps. Drawing sometimes does. Playing music and rowing at least put my mind and body into a productive space.
Even as I write this though, I am starting to censor myself, because I hate actually being honest about how bad I feel, even in an anonymous forum. So i’m going to stop, before I go back and start deleting, and let it stand as it is.