It’s been a little while since I’ve felt the urge to write, in large part because I’ve been feeling generally more positive. Not about getting pregnant – I’m pretty clear that I won’t be, I’ve just achieved a level of comfort with that fact.
As far as the Creighton method is concerned, I am dubious at best about it’s potential to be valuable. This is not helped by my ongoing feeling that I know more about my own physiology and how the hormone processes work than the woman who is instructing me on it. I still see the potential for it to lead to further testing, which might yield, if not a baby, a greater likelihood of my hormones levelling out, which might help mitigate some of the higher risk of various cancers that comes with a diagnosis of PCOS.
Mostly, I’ve just been trying to focus on getting on with my life. I’m at the point where i’m capable of making jokes (really, really dark jokes) about my own infertility to the small group of people I trust, which is a solid coping tool for me. And some of the massive social anxiety and general feelings of paranoia are subsiding, but not gone.
Here’s the thing: I’m ok with who I am. Mostly I like me. I don’t think I’m a bad person, and I generally try to come to any issue from a place of compassion and support. That being said, I am judgemental, and I don’t suffer fools gladly, which means that I can be …. lets go with tart. Basically I am a mama bear in protecting those I care about, and for those I deem “My People” I can and will be the best support system/friend/family/etc. that I am able. For those who have earned my ire (generally by threatening My People) there is the flip side of that passion.
When I was in the worst of my depression, it was easy to hide both sides of that, because I was struggling just to get through each day. I was barely communicating the necessities, so there was little risk of any of the negative thoughts coming out. Now, as I feel better, I recognize that there are aspects of my personality returning that an be a little hard to take. And I am worried that they will be offputting to people I don’t want to put off. But I don’t think that I should be hiding them either – I tend to feel that it’s an all or none – you either love me for all of who I am, or lets be honest, you don’t really love me.
I think that that is true in all relationships. If you have to hide a significant part of your personality in order to maintain the relationship, it’s superficial. Which is fine,for certain areas of life: Work, clients, acquaintances, distant relatives, professional contacts. But for those who you want as a part of the inner sanctum, maintaining a facade means that you are actually actively keeping them out. So this is where the anxiety comes into play for me. I recognize that building the friendships I want, and achieving a level of closeness that I have found I need in my support systems requires that I let people in. But every time I do I get a nasty vulnerability hangover, and sit on pins and needles waiting to see if they’re going to reject me for whatever this new level of closeness has shown. So I suppose that is what it comes down to, once again: A giant fear of rejection. And I’m torn, because on some level I expect myself to be able to breeze through and simply know that if i’m ok with my actions and who I am, no one else should matter, but I also know that thats now 100% the case: To some extent, I use the responses reflected from My People, those who’s opinions I have judged valuable and I respect, to help guide me. So being vulnerable and letting one of My People see a side of me which isn’t all sweetness and light for the first time is fraught with nuance. None of which they know about, all of which is in my head.
The thing is that that last sentence is the key: It’s all in my head. However much I love My People, and I am confident that they love me, this weird paranoid dance is all in my head. I am not owed anything, and asking someone to please never ever reject me for anything is not a realistic request, even were I willing to make it. Which I’m not, because that would be vulnerable on a whole other level, along with being unfair.
It’s like I’m going a complicated waltz in my brain that suddenly turns into a modern dance moody art piece whenever I try to reach out.
The funny thing is, from my point of view the worst thing did happen a little while ago, when someone I had considered a very close friend did basically reject me, although he rejected me for reaching out when I was depressed – and yet here I am. I have, in essence, survived what I perceive to be as bad as it gets in this scenario.
Yet I remain tied up in knots and paranoid that I won’t be ok if it happens again. It could be because I do still miss having him in my life, so I am acutely aware of what that loss can feel like. I think it’s always a push/pull between wanting the connection but not wanting to leave myself open or vulnerable when it’s made – two things that do not actually work together.
And so the dance continues…