Five months in…

Something I find interesting about starting to be more honest with the people in my life about my inability to have kids is that frequently the first question asked is about our next step towards having kids. This comes in a variety of forms: Questions about possible specialists, IVF, adoption, and anything in between. Generally phrased with “Have you ever thought about *******?”.  I think this comes from a well meaning place, combined with normal human discomfort with the whole topic of infertility. The answer is generally that of course I’ve thought about it – at length and in detail.

For me it makes me feel like the fact that I am not willing to go through the hormones and cost that comes with IUI or IVF makes me lesser than. Lesser than in the sense of somehow in order to feel the loss associated with being infertile I should first have to exhaust every possible option available. To be honest, I don’t think I can weather the disappointment that would come with spending time, money, and hormonal disruption on fertility treatments only to fail. Coming to terms with my body’s failure came very close to breaking me. I don’t think I can do that twice. I ended up abandoning the Creighton model because I just don’t have any energy left to invest in my own fertility.

Adoption is still a possibility, but not yet. I need time to heal, to focus on my emotional and physical wellbeing, and to become someone I think an adoption agency would look favourably on as a prospective parent. If that is the direction we end up going.

In the meantime, we just bought a townhouse, so I have a project to focus on, which is all to the good.