I’ve been avoiding writing this post, because I don’t really want to think about what I need to put into writing.
The third round of IUI resulted in conception, and implantation, but the pregnancy wasn’t viable, so ultimately I miscarried. In some ways I count myself lucky that I knew as soon as I knew I was pregnant that it wasn’t viable. I never had the chance to get attached.
The first pregnancy test at 2 weeks post IUI resulted in them telling me that my HCG levels were high enough to indicate that we had conceived, but were too low to think that they were going to result in a viable pregnancy – the subsequent three tests showed HCG levels rising each time, until the 3 week mark, where my period showed up. For a week they were worried about an ectopic pregnancy, but that became a moot point after the final test combined with menstruation.
I’m sad. But i’m not surprised. I don’t think this is the first time this has happened – It’s just the first time i’ve had it confirmed via blood tests. We have a final follow up on Sept 26th with the fertility specialist, but I think we’re done. I don’t feel ok gambling with IVF – because that’s what it is, a giant expensive gamble. And we now know that we can conceive with what we already have between my husband and I – there is no reason to think that we have better odds of having a viable embryo if we go through IVF. The best reason that I can find for a spontaneous miscarriage is that there is a genetic/chromosomal issue that results in the embryo being unable to divide. And I don’t think that this is the first time, as I said above… So I think that we are done. In a couple of years, we will look into what we have in terms of options for adopting. I love the idea of a child getting the chance to choose us as much as we will choose them.
I’m sorry my Husband and I won’t get to see what our genetic progeny are like. But I badly want to move on with my life.
It will be ok. It will be sad, but ok. And one way or the other we will be parents.
Also, i’ve been better about updating instagram regularly at fat_fit_infertile_ frustrated
I might write about the adoption process as it comes, but in the meantime, I don’t have much to say – we’re done with treatments, after 5.5 years I need to move on, and other things need to matter more than this – not that this doesn’t matter, but I need for other things to matter so that I can move on.
Happy trails everybody,