One more Failure

IUI round 1 didn’t work. On the plus side, knowing that we had two viable eggs, the sperm in the right place, and the timing perfect meant I realize, finally, that this is not my fault. For five years each month our failure to conceive has felt like all my fault – like my body failed, and couldn’t make it happen. This month we gave it everything we had, and every opportunity we could, and still nothing happened.

According to all the fun google has to offer(including google scholar), 3xIUI is the max, then you need to move on, so we still have two more. But we need a month off. We need to have a month where sex is for fun, and my joints don’t ache due to a fertility drug that started as a cancer chemo treatment.

This month will be devoted to self support: exercise, diet, school, and not timing every physical interaction.

On the other hand: Life is not fair. Fertility isn’t fair. Being angry about it is a useless waste of time

Doesn’t stop me from being angry.

-Me.

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IUI

Seven days ago we did IUI. The ultrasound showed two follicles ready to go, and my Husband’s sperm count was apparently great. Basically, we know that all of the necessary components were in the right place at the right time. We will know if I am pregnant next week.

I am so completely and utterly all in: I catch myself talking to my abdomen when i’m alone in the car, and my Husband has (thankfully rarely) been referring to me as his “maybe baby mama”. I don’t even want to voice the “if” factor out loud, I just want to believe that this is it, after five years and so much frustration and sorrow this is it.

I’m not even going to say the if thoughts here, I just want for this baby to join us in nine months.

-Me

Impending IUI

Unsurprisingly, I am not pregnant after round 4 of letrozole, so we are on to the IUI end of things. I have another trans vaginal ultrasound on the 20th of April, then i’m assuming the procedure will happen a few days later. I don’t know what i’m feeling right now, I wrote a final exam (the last one for my masters, my final course is all assignments, no exams), and now I have wine… since I cannot possibly put a fetus at risk, i’m thoroughly enjoying my Reisling blend.

I am nervous about IUI – it is by no means the most expensive thing, but its a whole other intervention step beyond just taking a medication.

I’m scared, I’m worried, I’m sad, I’m hopeful.

-Me

Doctors Appt

We had our second appointment with the new (improved) fertility specialist earlier today. I feel like such a failure when I admit that we are not pregnant, that the first three rounds of letrozole were ineffective. Apparently letrozole alone has about an 8% rate of fertility, but if we add IUI we move up to 25%. That is different from the stats I understood from the research I read, but it is possible that they were based on the whole sample over 6 months – if 25% of them got pregnant over the full 6 months of treatment, that may make sense statistically. Stats have never been my strong point, and my time working in a research lab only made me understand how much they can be manipulated to avoid a null result. I tend to think most published research needs to be taken with a grain of salt/understanding of bias.

I know that things are no worse now than they were this morning, I know that we already had all this info, and I know we already knew the next step was IUI and that we would likely need to go there. I mean, technically, we could still get pregnant this round – I should be ovulating in the next week. The timing is not great, I have to be away this weekend, but I think we can make it work, cover the spread, so to speak.

Oh language, you’re funny and frequently dirty sounding.

Basically although nothing changed because of this appointment, I feel worse. I just want to melt away for a while, and not exist. Even though I know it’s not something I can control, I still feel like a failure on a very basic level.

We will probably do our first round of IUI in April.

-Me

Five months in…

Something I find interesting about starting to be more honest with the people in my life about my inability to have kids is that frequently the first question asked is about our next step towards having kids. This comes in a variety of forms: Questions about possible specialists, IVF, adoption, and anything in between. Generally phrased with “Have you ever thought about *******?”.  I think this comes from a well meaning place, combined with normal human discomfort with the whole topic of infertility. The answer is generally that of course I’ve thought about it – at length and in detail.

For me it makes me feel like the fact that I am not willing to go through the hormones and cost that comes with IUI or IVF makes me lesser than. Lesser than in the sense of somehow in order to feel the loss associated with being infertile I should first have to exhaust every possible option available. To be honest, I don’t think I can weather the disappointment that would come with spending time, money, and hormonal disruption on fertility treatments only to fail. Coming to terms with my body’s failure came very close to breaking me. I don’t think I can do that twice. I ended up abandoning the Creighton model because I just don’t have any energy left to invest in my own fertility.

Adoption is still a possibility, but not yet. I need time to heal, to focus on my emotional and physical wellbeing, and to become someone I think an adoption agency would look favourably on as a prospective parent. If that is the direction we end up going.

In the meantime, we just bought a townhouse, so I have a project to focus on, which is all to the good.

-Me