On Thursday I met with a Doctor who has agreed to take me on as a patient, and will now be my family Doctor. This may not seem like a big deal, but where I live, there is a significant shortage of family Doctors, and although I have been in the market for a decade, I have been unable to find one who is taking on new patients since leaving my hometown (and my previous doctor). This means that throughout our fun with infertility, we have been relying entirely on walk in clinics and have had to re-explain our story each time we meet someone new.
I had started to accept that I wouldn’t be getting pregnant ever, so at this point getting a family doctor was more about having consistent care going forward than is was about fertility.
As it turns out, this woman I met who has taken me on as a patient has a special interest in women’s health and fertility – Which is great, since I value that focus. She also offered ideas as to options that I was not previously aware of in terms of trying to get pregnant, specifically the Creighton Model of family planning. It sounds much more like something I can imagine working with, as it works with my body instead of just forcing hyper-ovulation and hoping for the best, and in some ways I wish I had met this Doctor years ago.
The thing is, trying to accept that I won’t get pregnant has been… well, kind of awful. And I had, in the last few weeks, just started to feel like myself again. I was having fewer days where I just felt like hiding my head under a rock and disappearing, and actually being able to enjoy my life, my friends, my social interactions, sex, etc, and not that I was just going through the motions. And although I want to have a baby, I want to raise a child, and if i’m totally honest, I want it to be mine, ours, our genetics, our own little weirdo with our physical attributes… I’m terrified of going back to the place I was in when I started to accept that that wasn’t going to happen. I’ve had other depressive episodes in my life, been burnt out (a full time undergraduate degree while planning a wedding a and working full time is a slight recipe for disaster – I don’t recommend it), and felt terrible about myself before… but nothing had compared to the utter lack of self worth I felt in thinking that I won’t be able to have a baby. I don’t want to die, I didn’t want to die… But I can understand why depression results in people wanting to die.
So I am hesitant to re-enter this forum. I am slightly terrified of my own potential reactions, or the charged emotional situation, and of letting myself get my hopes up.
I don’t have a final thought here – this is very much just… I don’t know what to do.